Post by Hel/Hart on Nov 6, 2017 7:50:51 GMT
There is a black leather bound journal on an oak desk.
05 | Sunday November |
MUSING OF THE GUILTY
I've read up on ways to make sense of a tragedy. They say for some people talking about it works. Others find putting themselves into their work or a hobby might help. Or they journal. I have no wish to become a workaholic. And I have no-one to tell. And therefore, here I am journalling. I never thought I'd be leaving my innermost thoughts like this. But I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Apparently using journals runs in my family. My parents had a family journal. I have it beside me on my desk. Beside it lies the journal I was given by Magnus.
Magnus. The magi so eaten up by guilt that he wanted to die. I still don't understand why he wanted to be killed by me. Not completely. Of course I know the idea in theory. He wanted to make sure I was dedicated enough. Dedicated to murder, is the short version of it. He knew the feeling of taking a human soul.
What upsets me is this: WHY DID HE MAKE ME? WHY DID I HAVE TO FEEL THIS? I DON'T WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATH OF SOMEONE I CARE ABOUT. I never wanted that. He had to have known it. Hart tells me that making me miserable was probably what Magnus wanted. Hart tells me all about the harsh training. The way Hart was treated if he didn't do something exactly as Magnus dictated.
I have so much trouble reconciling Hart's version of Magnus with my own. It's like two sides of the same coin. Hart doesn't understand why I feel guilty about killing Magnus either. We each have only one side of the story, and I believe we are doomed to have it remain that way. Why did Magnus doom us to be like this? I know he was eaten up by guilt. I know him getting us to kill him was his way of dying for something.
But it is that same mode of learning that has forced us to learn the same guilt he carried with him every day. I struggle to figure out why he would want to doom me to that. It feels like a death sentence. It strangles me from the inside out. I feel like a dish rag that has been rung out until it had holes in the fabric.
It hurts.
Magnus. The magi so eaten up by guilt that he wanted to die. I still don't understand why he wanted to be killed by me. Not completely. Of course I know the idea in theory. He wanted to make sure I was dedicated enough. Dedicated to murder, is the short version of it. He knew the feeling of taking a human soul.
What upsets me is this: WHY DID HE MAKE ME? WHY DID I HAVE TO FEEL THIS? I DON'T WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATH OF SOMEONE I CARE ABOUT. I never wanted that. He had to have known it. Hart tells me that making me miserable was probably what Magnus wanted. Hart tells me all about the harsh training. The way Hart was treated if he didn't do something exactly as Magnus dictated.
I have so much trouble reconciling Hart's version of Magnus with my own. It's like two sides of the same coin. Hart doesn't understand why I feel guilty about killing Magnus either. We each have only one side of the story, and I believe we are doomed to have it remain that way. Why did Magnus doom us to be like this? I know he was eaten up by guilt. I know him getting us to kill him was his way of dying for something.
But it is that same mode of learning that has forced us to learn the same guilt he carried with him every day. I struggle to figure out why he would want to doom me to that. It feels like a death sentence. It strangles me from the inside out. I feel like a dish rag that has been rung out until it had holes in the fabric.
It hurts.
