Lykos Sölberg ~ Ghost [FIN]

Hey there! West here, and I'm going to be the staff member helping you through this part of the application process. Your app looked pretty good! However, there are a few changes that need to be made before we can accept your application. The needed changes are listed below:

Personality --------

Positive Traits and Negative traits need to be equal in number. Please change these (adding or subtracting) until they have the same amount.

Strengths and Weaknesses also need to be equal in number. Please change these (adding or subtracting) until they have the same amount.

In your weaknesses, you put: "Iron. He's a Ghost. Duh?” This is a weakness shared among all ghosts and not one that is unique for this character. Remove this from the list and come up with one that is a specific weakness for Lykos himself.

Also in your weaknesses you put: "His anger towards a specific subject.” Please elaborate what subject this is.

In your personality you put: "Mortals who do get a glimpse of Lykos, see him with his hands going through his tangled hair. His eyes opened as wide as they could. His constant muttering as he paces back and forth on the path. Not noticing his torn clothes and damaged body. They normally believe that he is a homeless man who seemingly lost his marbles. Until he notices the mortal’s stare.” Until your character purchases the ability Apparition, mortals cannot physically see a ghost. Even with the first level of Apparition, ghosts are only able to be seen in reflective surfaces. Please get rid of this part of your app or specify that this will be how your character is seen once the ghost has self improved enough to be able to make himself temporarily visible. I also recommend you look over the Ghost Race page once again to see the abilities that can be purchased.

Biography --------

The first and most important part that needs fixing in this part of the application is details on the monastery Lykos went to. As it plays a very important part to this character’s whole backstory, it needs to be given more detail.

For instance; where is this monastery located? There are various countries in the world of Inertia, which can be found in the World Atlas. Currently most threads and plots take place in Ethea.

There is also typically a reason for monasteries to be built; why was this one created? What are the teachings? Why would people go out to become a monk here? What do they believe in? If they think the rest of the world, as you them saying the nearest city was seen as a place of sin, is harmful to the self and reincarnation, then are they against the “industrial" world? You don’t need to go into specific, fine detail on exactly everything that goes on within the monastery’s daily life and customs, but you need to describe what the monks were about and their beliefs/why they practiced their way of life.

In addition, you briefly mention the monastery worshiping gods, even having high priests/priestesses, but then you mention “by the Goddess’ fortune.” Inertia has many deities which can be found here. From the looks of your application, the monks might be followers of Arithelia, the Goddess of Nature and of Magi. However, I recommend you read up on all the gods to get a feel for their respective domains if your character’s monastery pays homage to all the gods. You will need to specify whether the monastery worships a specific god, however.

Now, you mention him being a missionary and going other places. This should be expanded upon; where exactly did he go as a missionary? Again, the World Atlas will be the most help here, but this seems like an important piece of information about Lykos that must be expanded upon.

You also say “sin took hold on him,” but don’t mention anything other than him getting a tattoo and drinking heavily one night with his hosts. What else did he do? What all was taboo in the eyes of the other monks? Did word of his actions get back to the monastery? How would his father have felt hearing about this? Or the other, higher up monks? This is an area that could make for a great deal of character development. Please expand upon this, as it seems important to a character who spent most of his life living under those rules only to break them later.

In the final paragraph you mention the magi that attacked him "chanted the spell.” Magi don’t need to chant spells or murmur incantations; they can focus and call upon their specific elements at will (though constant magic use will drain them over time). Please change this.

You also mention that "Lykos could of lived that night, if he wasn’t drinking heavily moments before.” Right before this you mentioned he took a lightning bolt to the chest and his heart stopped. Realistically he would have been dead regardless of whether or not he was drinking heavily before. Now if you were referring to his combat ability- meaning that he was sloppy while fighting due to drinking- then please change the text to reflect that. Because as it stands it sounds like, had Lykos not been drinking before, he somehow would have been fine.

Lastly, you need to specify why Lykos would not want to move on and be reincarnated. When Ghosts stay as ghosts, it is often for a specific reason, whether it be dissatisfaction over their death or because they want to watch over a loved one. Whatever the case is for Lykos, it must be specified; especially as someone who would have possibly worshiped the gods, including Tatara.

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If you have any questions about anything stated above, please send a PM to my staff account West