Who I Was, Who We Are | Lelianna

Caroline exhaled a short laugh, grateful for her attempt to ease her. “Y-yeah, I know,” she said, the confidence she built now melting away. “It’s just, ah, well, isn’t it a nice night out tonight?”

Is everything alright?

Caroline sighed, keeping her eyes on Lelianna as she moved to her. Is everything all right? She took in how lovely Lelianna looked in the moonlight, wondering just how she’d never seen it before. It was a pretty night and they were alone in each other’s company; under any other circumstances, everything would be better than alright. It would be perfect. It was tempting even now to back out and just enjoy the evening with Lelianna, talking and laughing how they always did. She knew, though, that there was no backing out. Her hesitation now was mostly to grab a few last good moments before she inevitably had to leave them forever.

She turned to look out to the forest below. “Leli, I… I have two confessions to make,” she began. There was no going back now. “And I’m sorry for both of them. Really, truly sorry. You’ve been so patient with me and so… well, I’ve never met anybody quite like you in my life. So it’s time I stop hiding my past from you; you deserve to know exactly who I was. You need to know before… before we continue with what we have.”

Maybe she’d try to protest or reassure her that she didn’t need to if she wasn’t ready to. She would be that nice. But no, she would never be ready to give up her slice of paradise, her life, everything she didn’t know she wanted. But she still had to go through with it. So she gently shut down any reassurances, saying that she needed to do this.

“I told you I worked for the government, making sure camps were compliant and doing my best to stop abuse,” she said. She stared out at the moon; it was easier to pretend she was talking to it rather than Lelianna. “That was before the fire. Before I was… put into this body. When they did the transfer, they added something else.”

She pulled a half-charred, obviously broken chip from her pocket and held it out between her thumb and forefinger. She looked away from the moon long enough to glare at the little device. “This,” she said. “A… brain implant. It was meant to block my emotions and my memories. That’s why even now I’m having trouble with both.” She curled the device up in her fist, stopping herself right before crushing it. No, she needed it still, to figure out what was going on with Axium. Her encounter with the man and the Axium mercenaries told her it was more important than she initially thought.

She pocketed the device. “They fed me lies along with it. I forgot who I was. What I believed. What was real. How to live. All of it was gone. And so… so I believed them. They made it so I didn’t even think to question it, like a tool. Once I acclimated… they reassigned me. And with everything they did to me, it made me want to accept, despite what my real, buried thoughts and feelings were. Those were gone. I was their willing tool, and they gave me my job.”

She took another deep, deep breath for comfort. When the words left her mouth she felt her body shiver.

“They… put me to work alongside the hunter’s guild.”

She closed her eye when she confessed her past. Hunter. It made her sick just to think about it. When she opened them, she saw… an unexpected look. She wasn’t angry? Caroline shook her head gently. This was somehow worse.

“If you’re feeling pity for me, I don’t deserve it,” she said. “I was a monster. They set me to work and I did it without a second thought. I worked with them, trained them, lied to cover them… I believed everything they told me about magi. I wanted revenge for the fire, but I still can’t tell how much of that was fed and if any of that was me.”

She lowered her head and ran her fingers through the top of her hair. She took a shaky breath as she gripped the strands tight; it was harder to say this all than she expected. It was something she would never fully come to terms with, memories that would eat at her until her brain finally gave up.

“I. Killed. So many people, Lelianna,” she said. The words were tepid, like they had to crawl from her throat. “How many? How many families did I destroy? How many lives did I ruin? For seven years I killed. Hundreds, probably. They made sure I was the perfect tool to do so. A cybernetic weapon. An obedient murderer, hell-bent on exacting some useless fucking revenge.”

She looked to her with a pained look. “I have blood on my hands that will never come off. I can’t forgive myself and I don’t deserve it, but that doesn’t erase what I did. No matter who I am now, I can’t run from the past.” She curled her knees to her chest, synthetic tear ducts forming moisture at the brain’s signal. “I killed a child, Lelianna. She tried to save someone else from me, and I… I snapped her neck.” She held out her hands and looked at them. “She deserved better. If it wasn’t for her, the implant would still be controlling me. I’d… I’d still be killing magi. I may have gone my entire life on that path.”

She curled her hands into fists. “I’m still on it, in a way. When I… leave my tent… I’m out there, hunting the hunters. I’m still a killer. It’s… it’s all I’m good for. It’s what this body was made for, and I can’t leave it. Hell, before I even came here, I killed my father in cold blood- he was the one who fed the lies, who had them implant me. He stripped away his daughter's humanity, my humanity, to make a killer. I didn't feel sorry for doing it, and I still don't. I feel nothing for him. That... that's not right, is it? To feel nothing.” She pulled her arms back to hug her legs. It was just another reason she was a monster. “Don’t pity me. I… I can’t tell still what part of my past was me and what part was the control. I question myself every day; could I have stopped myself? Did I secretly want it? What if the answer is yes, I did? Could I have done anything more to fight it?”

She ventured to look at Lelianna once more. Gods, what was going through her mind?

“I don’t know,” she said. “I probably never will. But what I’m doing now… when I go to kill hunters and make sure magi get to Haven without being attacked… the revenge I want to get on the hunter’s guild for taking my humanity away from me… that’s all me. There’s no chip, no lies, no control; it’s my choice, every time I go out there, every time I pull the trigger… That’s me. I’m still a monster.”

Her body felt weak. It was all out there. Everything she did and everything she still does. She expected now to be asked to leave, and set her hand on the ground, prepared to stand up and do so.

She froze at the softness in Lelianna’s voice. After all that… she felt… how? How could she still think so fondly of her after all of that? She tried to form words but none came as Lelianna continued.

You would have killed me the day we met

That was the moment Caroline broke. Tears poured down from her lone eye as she looked to Lelianna with a horrified expression. She could have, but… she… didn’t… but no, she couldn’t have. Not Leli. Never could she imagine doing anything to hurt her. And yet… old her with the chip would have done so. She would have done so without remorse. She was right; that was the difference. Lelianna and Skjorn were the first ones she met since fleeing, and that was her reaction… whereas in the past, both would be… they would be…

Her brain was overcome; for the first time in her life, Caroline’s emotions were in control; there was no thinking or analyzing; she just gave up and let her feelings guide her. So when Lelianna finished speaking, she lunged forward and wrapped the magi in a tremendous hug, her tearful face buried in the crook of her neck. Her cries were the most human they had ever been; she gasped and shuddered as she continued to speak.

“Leli… gods, Leli… I was so afraid. I was so afraid you would… hate me. That you would tell me to go. I was so, so sure you… you would… you wouldn’t want anything to do with me.” She shook her head against Lelianna. “How… why… why do you think so much of me? How can you… how can you still defend me after knowing… knowing what I did? I don’t understand. I don’t…”

Somewhere during her tears she started laughing. She laughed because it finally, finally hit her; the brain was trying to understand but couldn’t. The emotions, of course, knew exactly why. It was so gods-damned clear now.

“Ha… of course… I’m so stupid.” She hugged Lelianna tighter. “You… you would be able to. After all… you’re the one who showed me that I can do something else with my freedom. I don’t have to only be a killer. Ha, it’s so… obvious. You showed me I can… I can do things. I can… garden, and go to festivals, and dance, and laugh, and… and play with bears.”

She pulled back so she could look at Lelianna. Tears streamed down but now there was a hint of a smile on her face. “You… you gave me a second chance at living, Lelianna. Everything that was taken… you… You’ve given it back to me. All the things I thought I’d lost…”

She closed her eye and leaned in to rest her forehead against Lelianna’s. One of her hands slid up the side of the magi’s face and locked themselves gently in her hair. “I don’t… I mean… Are you sure? Do you still… want me around? Even after all this? I was so sure you wouldn’t… That you would think so much less of me. If you do, I understand. Gods, of course I would. I was… I was just so scared to lose you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I should have told you so much sooner. I’m sorry, Leli.”

She was full-on sobbing again. How could Lelianna be this good? It was like a dream. And if it was, she prayed she would never wake up from it.

Lelianna did manage to draw a short laugh from Caroline, which at least stopped her from sobbing. She put her free hand over one of Lelianna’s, closed her eye, and smiled as tears continued to streak down. “Ha, yeah, I guess he is. Can’t go now.”

Caroline took in a deep breath at Lelianna’s next words. She’d miss her. Even after all this, she could say she would miss Caroline if she left. The words were music to her; she would never tire of them and they would always make her mechanical heart jump. And they were said with such sincerity that Caroline had no doubts she meant them. She vaguely nodded along as she continued.

“I… I should have trusted you, too,” she said. “I was… I was just so nervous. I didn’t want to go. I would have… but I would have missed you, too. So much. I don’t… I don’t know what I would do. I… I never want to have to find out, either. I… I’m still sorry. For not trusting you. For… for my past. I’ll never not be sorry for that. Gods, I was so horrible.”

She ran out of words for the next few moments. She was spewing them so rapidly that they no longer came. Eventually, though, they did; they had to. After all…

There was still the second confession.

Her swirling mix of emotions- happiness, sorrow, relief, love, fear, and so many more- halted entirely at the thought (Except nervousness, which seemed to be eager to take the reins). She didn’t expect to get even this far, instead cast away by a horrified Lelianna with the words still stuck in her throat. Caroline had no idea how she was going to say it, now feeling a creeping chill at the million “what-ifs” in her head. But there was no backing out; she told her there were two, and after the last one? Caroline knew keeping it secret was worse. She took a breath. She searched for words. She opened her eye and…

She didn’t feel afraid anymore.

How could she? She just spilled herself, her emotions, her worst secrets, with tears in her eyes and what did she receive in return? Compassion. Reassurance. Care. The things Lelianna had shown her since their first meeting. The things Caroline needed more than anything in her weakest moment, and without hesitation, were given freely by Leli, like she knew- no, because she knew. The connection between them… that’s why she felt this was in the first place, wasn’t it?

She became acutely aware of their position, of their closeness, of their hands on each other and their shared tears staining their faces. She took in every beautiful inch of Lelianna, glowing in the moonlight, and couldn’t believe it took her so long to realize why. Why she always noticed how beautiful she looked and moved and sounded, why she could only smile around her, why she spent so much time thinking about their time together, why she didn’t protest very hard about going to the festival, why everything felt the way that it did.

She wiped the tears from her cheeks, and did the same for Lelianna. Caroline didn’t know what Lelianna’s reaction would be, but that no longer frightened her. They weren’t going to leave each other. Nothing else mattered.

She straightened up somewhat, separating their foreheads and putting a little (but not too much) space between them. There was an unmistakable smile on her face now that the tears stopped falling. Gently, her hands found Lelianna’s, brought them down between their laps, and held them tight.

“Lelianna… For my second confession… Well, I didn’t know if I would get the chance to say it but now… Now I’m glad I can.” Her eye never strayed from Lelianna’s. Idly, her thumb caressed the side of the druid’s hand. “I don’t know how to say it, still. I can’t think of any words that will do it justice; it all sounds so… well, I’m not sure, really. But… I can try.”

A different moisture threatened her eye now, a tear made of joy instead of sorrow as she remembered everything. “We’ve spent a lot of time together, and… And there’s not a second of it that I regret. I can’t stop thinking about, well… about everything. About all the time we’ve spent together- walks in the garden, dancing at the festival, or just talking until we fall asleep by the riverbank- and all the time we will spend together and… and you, Lelianna. I think about you all the time, and when I do I feel… I feel like nothing in the world can trouble me. I feel happy. It doesn’t matter what we’re doing; as long as we’re doing it together, it’s always felt right.”

She didn’t realize that she was squeezing Lelianna’s hands tighter; not painfully, but like she never wanted to let go. “I’m not good with… people, or feelings, or thoughts, and now you know why, and maybe… maybe that’s why it’s taken me so long to realize. Lelianna… you really have given me my life back, and so much more. More than I could have ever imagined. You’ve given me care, and comfort, and hope, and friendship, and… Feelings I never thought I would experience again.”

The tear fell free and her smile widened. “I don’t know what you’ll say, but… But I need to tell you. I want to tell you, and I think I have for a long time now. Weeks, maybe months. I can’t tell, and it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life. Lelianna… Lelianna, I love you. Not… not just as my dearest friend, either. I… I’ve fallen for you. I love you.”

It was out there, now. The words were heavier and said perhaps more awkwardly than she imagined, but they were said. She fought the urge to apologize, trusting that Lelianna would give her an honest response, whatever that may be.

She waited for Lelianna’s reaction, for the shock to settle, but remained firm in her stance; she wouldn’t fear any answer she gave, because she assured her of the most important thing already- they would stay here, together, in one way or another. What more could she ask? It was a gift she felt unworthy to receive but was overjoyed to have. Nothing, though, could prepare Caroline for the visual response she received.

Her eye lit up as Lelianna’s hair and crystals did. Blooms, such beautiful blooms, burst vibrantly from her in a medley of warm and joyful shades. No straight crimson to indicate embarrassment, no; was this… was she happy? Was she happy to hear those words? If she had a heart it would be beating from her chest now as she stared in silent awe of the art unfolding before her. Gods, she was beautiful. Radiant. Breathtaking. Never had she seen such a sight despite months and months of watching her hair bloom in all sorts of ways and colors, from cool blues to bright crimsons, dancing on the petals of dozens of different flowers. It was awe-inspiring, and only made more beautiful under the glow of moonlight.

While Lelianna stammered on, Caroline looked down, noticing the return squeeze her hands received from the magi. It seemed the tables turned; Lelianna was the one rambling in disbelief, with Caroline holding firm.

A-are you s-sure? Me?

Caroline smiled and gave a little laugh of her own. Her eyes looked to Lelianna’s again; she was confident now, as the answer was always sitting in her heart (or wherever cyborgs poetically stored feelings). Her voice was now as soft and confident as it had ever been.

“Lelianna, my whole life has been nothing but uncertainties since the implant, and even before. I question everything I do, did, and feel all the time. I may never know if my memories are accurate, or how much of me had control in the past, or if I’m saying the right thing or reacting how people normally do. I don’t know what will happen in the future. I didn’t know what would happen when I came to Arecia. I’ll never know if I did the right things before coming here. Being sure is a luxury to me, one that always evaded me. Almost, always.”

She lifted their hands, her elbows on her thighs, and reaffirmed her grip. “This, the way I feel about you… Lelianna, this is the first thing I’ve ever been certain about. There is nobody else like you in the world, and you… Lelianna, you are the one I love. I’ve never been so sure in my life.”

Caroline’s confidence was born from the parents of nihilism and relief; the answer didn’t matter, because her biggest fear, the one she was so certain of, was no longer a threat, and that relief gave her strength to do and say anything. She felt invincible. Everything that mattered to her was still safe and sound, so what was there to worry about?

Or, well, that’s how it went for a little while. She may have been sure that she wasn’t getting exiled by Lelianna, but she never saw her answer coming. She tilted her head as Lelianna stammered about… trying. Trying to… what? Try if Caroline’s serious… What did she mean? It was hard to make out exactly what she was saying, but… She was just trying to say she would try to be okay with that, right? That made the most sense to Caroline. There was no way Lelianna was-

I…. I-I love you too

Caroline’s confidence melted at hearing the words come from her. It was the gentlest caress, a warm breeze that entered her ear and hugged her brain, which was currently short-circuiting (figuratively, of course). Was she just saying tha-

I-I do!

She blinked. It was said with such force, such conviction, that Caroline couldn’t make up ridiculous theories. Lelianna said it and meant it. She… she felt the same way. She really, truly loved her, too. Caroline never thought in a million years that she would experience these feelings, let alone mutually with someone so wonderful. Memories of the past reminded Caroline that she never really had much luck with romance even before the fire, and felt all chances were damned after it. And yet… here she was, holding the hands of the woman she loved, surrounded by a picturesque landscape and illuminated by the spotlight of the pale moon. Her brain was firing into overtime to make sure those receptors under her face turned her skin as red as could be.

Lelianna was no longer the only tongue-tied one now, as Caroline’s mind worked overtime to process those few words. I do. Love you, that is.

She watched Leli bury her face in their hands. That… that was all it took to bring Caroline back to the here and now. She smiled with an uncharacteristically giddy girlish giggle at Lelianna’s display. “I… well, it was because, ah, well… I was so scared you’d want me to leave that… when you wanted me to stay, I wasn’t nervous anymore. Or, ha, well I wasn’t until you… you… you’re… serious, aren’t you? I didn’t expect…”

She shook her head and laughed, half nervous, half elated. She pulled their hands away from Leli’s face and gripped them tight. “I… ah… well, I don’t know what I’m doing either, ha. But I mean… I didn’t know how to do most things before I met you, so… I think we’ll figure it out? If we just do what feels right, and just… stay open with each other like we have been so far, then…”

She smiled at her and took a breath. “I know we’ll both be happy. Together.”

And then, acting on that very idea of doing what felt right, Caroline closed her eye, tilted her head, and leaned forward to press her lips to Lelianna’s. She didn’t know how to kiss properly, or if there was even such a thing. She didn’t know what to expect if Lelianna allowed Caroline to make this contact; how would it feel? What did it mean? Would she goof up somehow? The questions were pushed aside, because she understood this feeling now; the answers didn’t really matter, because the only thing that did was that she was sharing this moment with the one she loved.