What She Left Behind | Lelianna

Caroline waited patiently as she dried herself and her companion. The heat lamp would certainly help along with the towel, but they were both rather soaked. It must have been raining harder than she expected. “You know, with your talents you can probably weave an umbrella out of sticks and leaves next time,” she pointed out.

She watched the determined, steady climb of Stewart up her arm with a bemused look on her face. He really did seem to enjoy climbing her whenever he got the chance. She shook her head. “No, if he wants to climb, it’s no trouble. He seems dry enough.” She looked back up to Lelianna. “Drier than you, at least. Your flowers seem to be enjoying the weather.”

Stewart’s steady climb barely even registered with Caroline. Between her strength and muted feeling of her skin, she was only vaguely aware that a slightly damp ball of fur was sliding slowly up towards her head. She looked back down at the binder in her hands and closed her eye for a few moments. When she opened it, she turned to her magi companion with a gentle smile.

“I was thinking about our discussion a few days ago,” she began. “And about all of our time together. I realized that I know so much about you, and yet you know almost nothing about me, or my history. I am not very used to talking with people who do not already know me. It was not my intention to stay closed off. So that is why I invited you here today; I would like to share more about myself with you. And… I will have a favor to ask of you later on.”

She set the thin binder on her thigh, closest to Lelianna. While still stilted with her words (but still leagues better than their first few encounters), it was clear that she was not feeling forced to share. She wanted to. In fact, nervous was the feeling she was experiencing at the moment, but it was such a foreign feeling to the cyborg that she had a hard time putting a word to it.

“Before I came to Arecia, I lived in Felici. I took what I needed with me. This,” she said, and pat the journal gently, “is the only thing I took that has… sentimental value to it. It mostly contains photographs. I thought it would be a good way to talk about myself; if you are interested, I would be happy to go through it with you.”

She looked to Lelianna expectantly, as if waiting for a confirmation that she would like to do this. It wasn’t like Caroline to hesitate like this, but she wanted to make sure she wasn’t… boring her? Making her uncomfortable? The more time she spent with her, the more aware she found herself with regards to Lelianna’s feelings. Nerves, excitement, anticipation, anxiety, concern; they were new feelings that, while hard to describe, were rounding out her emotions; it was the most human she felt since… well, since she could remember.

Her eye drifted up to regard her new fuzzy accessory. “Comfy up there?” She asked once her stopped moving. Go figure she thinks about him and makes a hammock, and instead he wants to be her hat. But hey, good on him for going for what he wants.

She ran her fingers over the binder again. “I was hoping you would be interested. I think it’s time I told you more about myself.” With a faint smile, and a hint of nerves, she opened the cover of the binder to the first page. A single piece of white paper sat behind a laminated shield, and simply said “Caroline.” She turned that page, and the history lesson was underway.

Several photos lay against a white background on both pages, covered by a thin plastic to protect them and keep them in place. There were two children in the photos, a boy and a girl, with somewhat tan skin and similar features. Some pictures had them alone, and some with them together. The range of pictures seemed to cover years, maxing out at around ten or eleven at their oldest. They were happy pictures; playing in the park, opening presents at birthday parties, making silly faces for the camera. Caroline’s expression lit up as she saw these.

“Farha and Vidal,” she said. “My niece and nephew. Right now, she is twelve, and he is eleven. They are good kids, but a bit too energetic and curious to stay out of trouble.” She laughed. “I’m not sure if they’re more or less of a handful than the cubs, but they certainly bite less.”

She would talk through each one. ‘Oh yes, that was on her birthday, where she fell in the pool and lost her cake,’ or ‘And that was the last time he tried to climb that tree,’ and so on. Caroline was clearly enjoying herself as she recounting these memories and stories. She turned the page again. The kids were still the subject, but now Caroline was in a few of the pictures as well. Even back before her… freedom, being around the kids brought out a mostly human side of her, one capable of laughter and fun. There were pictures of her holding them both up with one hand, and her letting them win at play wrestling, and her walking in the park holding each of their hands with one of hers.

She sighed. Of all the people she left, she missed them the most. It was a bittersweet feeling. She was glad for the memories but… it was unlikely she would ever see them again. Maybe they didn’t even want to see her. She was silent, leaving only the gentle pattering of rain to fill the air, and gently ran her fingertips over the picture of her holding their hands. “Farha will be starting high school this winter. I take pity on her teachers; they do not know what a fighter they have waiting for them.” She chuckled once. “She learned a few things from her stubborn aunt, I suppose.”

She turned her head slightly towards Lelianna at her compliment. Not a bad thing? Hmm… well, Farha was a good kid. Didn’t take shit, challenged everything, and defended her brother from everything. Maybe Caroline wasn’t all bad when it came to them. She chuckled soft and low at her followup. “If her body can match her spirit, she’ll give me a run for my money someday. She’s very into sports, so at least it all goes to good use.”

She turned the page. Her family was still the focus, but now there were pictures of a light-skinned woman in a wheelchair, and a man with skin that screamed “Surajan-born.” They were clearly the parents of the children. “That is my sister, Nadia, and her husband, Saeed. She is a schoolteacher, and he an electrician.” The odd thing was that Nadia and Caroline looked about as alike as any two strangers on the street. Caroline didn’t notice this, of course. And she didn’t know that her face was changed slightly during the rebuilding process; not completely, but subtle enough to sort of set her apart as a black sheep in the family.

There were a couple more pages of these four and Caroline, each with an explanation and a story. She kept talking as Lelianna kept showing interest. Then the pictures turned to new faces entirely.

One picture had a row of people in police uniforms standing for a photoshoot. The woman in the middle seemed to be the focus, and held onto a plaque that was unreadable in the photo. There were other pictures of her, and they were different from the freeform family pictures. These were official. As well, there were other things mixed in the photos, such as newspaper clippings and a typed-up letter of recommendation.

“When I was in Felici,” she said. “I worked for the government. This woman is Talia Ivanov, a detective on the Felici police force. We worked together somewhat often on joint operations; she was good at her job, the best, even, and a sort of friendship grew out of our mutual respect. Drinks like a drain, but she’s a really caring person, and probably the only officer on the force who anyone could call incorruptible.”

She wondered what she was doing now. Was she on the case to bring her in? What did she do with the information she gave to her and Nils? Hopefully they’re causing trouble for the guild over there, she thought. But she showed Lelianna the pictures with stories once more, and the news clippings of Detective Ivanov bringing in some big case, and what seemed to be a recommendation later for her to get some sort of promotion or accolade, signed by SFO Caroline Enthaupten.

She narrowed her eye at her own signature. That name was awful, but gone, now. Her face relaxed after a moment. If Lelianna had any questions throughout, Caroline would of course answer them, unless it was… uncomfortable for her.

Caroline chuckled at that. “Thank you. I guess I have an advantage, since my hair is synthetic. I never have to dye it, and it doesn’t require much care. I know the kids said they wanted hair colored because of mine, and I’m sure Nadia will let them eventually.” Whether she wanted to or not; Farha was not going to back down from that pink hair she desired, and no force of gods would stop her.

She retrieved a permanent marker from within the binder and slid the recommendation letter free. She poised the tip just in front of the “E” of her… dead name. That was when Lelianna asked her question, which drew a pause from the cyborg. She offered the faintest of nods. “They are all wonderful, and yes,” she said. In a swift motion, the name “Enthaupten” was covered up. “I do. I miss them all terribly, but I’m afraid I can’t go back to the city.”

She slipped the letter back in to its plastic alongside the photos, and put the pen away. At first, she wasn’t sure whether to erase the original part of the document, but… it was a happy memory of a friend, and she didn’t want that name tainting those thoughts; it caused her more than a lifetime of trouble as it was, and she would not let it give her any more. She wouldn’t offer an explanation of her action voluntarily, but if Lelianna asked, she was not going to keep her completely in the dark.

“At least I have memories, and for that I am grateful,” she continued down the earlier conversation topic. “I regret not being able to make new ones with them, but there is no sense in dwelling. What’s done is done.”

Unless questioned more, she would turn the page silently (And if questioned, would reply before doing so). The subject of the next few pages was a short woman with a brown ponytail, who was in various pictures in what looked like a bakery, or a park with Nadia and the kids, or other pictures that indicated this woman was a close family friend. Caroline closed her eyes. Of all the people she missed, besides the kids, this was the person she missed the most.

“That’s Kelri,” Caroline offered. “Her family was close enough to mine that there was hardly any separation between the two. She owns the best bakery in Felici, and may be one of the nicest people living there. She…” Caroline sighed, but smiled shortly after. “She was the one who supported me the most during my rough years in the city. I wager I would not be who I am today without her.”

Alongside the photographs were clippings heralding “Sweet Nothings” as one of the best businesses in the city, with positive reviews here, and awards there… it was clear she was a master of her craft. It was clear, too, by Caroline’s distracted focus that she was an important friend.

She took a piece of her own hair with her finger and thumb, and brought it forward to examine. When she did, a lazy, furry paw fell down in front of her face, before slowly rising back up to its owner. She laughed softly at that. “I suppose so,” she said to Lelianna. “Though I’d rather have real hair, I think.”

She let go of her lock with a sigh. She’d rather have real everything. The disgust at her own body didn’t lessen or worsen after the chip was removed… more like it simply changed. Now it was a reminder that she would never get her humanity back, no matter how many hunters or corporations she destroyed. It was also a prison that would not let her forget all of the things she did before. She was stuck, no matter what she did from here. Her mind demanded she take a breath, and with that, she continued on.

It didn’t take long before she froze completely.

She looked intently at the black line that covered the word. She thought long and hard about what to say, and how to phrase it, leaving the tent in silence save for the fierce rain outside. “It was,” she said, her voice softer than it had ever been, as if she would break if she were any louder. “A lifetime ago. It’s a dead name, now. Please forget you saw it. I’ve taken a different name; Vorlan, after…” She closed her eye tight and grimaced, her fingers tensing on the edges of the binder. It passed in a moment, but during that moment the scene played out in full- Tori’s face, eyes full of fear as the life was choked from her. Her voice, pleading for the other magi to get up and get away before Caroline killed them both. The last defiant act of the dagger entering her skull and changing her life forever. Caroline inhaled deeply, and the slightest hint of moisture tickled her eyelids. She opened them before any tears could fall.

“After a very important young woman,” she finished. She got the sense that this made more questions than it answered, but the subject was making her uneasy. “Ah, shall we continue?”

Fortunately Kelri was the next subject, which immediately lightened the mood, albeit in a bittersweet way. Lelianna’s little comment made Caroline feel… bashful, almost. It certainly brought a smile to her which, again, was bittersweet. “You would both get along very well,” she said. If only they could meet… alas, it seemed like an impossibility currently. Perhaps one day, though. “She is sweet, and kind, and caring, just like you. Not to mention you both have seemingly endless amounts of energy.”

The next page had only a single picture; her, and a well-dressed, smirking man, taken in some bar with low lighting. Her mouth twisted, unsure which way to turn. He was a tricky subject; certainly, he was her best friend, but now… how did he feel? And he was still a hunter… and the things he did… and yet, he was the only friend she had for a long time. She spent many hours thinking about their last interaction, his eyes narrowing at her introduction, where she used “Caroline” for herself for the first time since … well, since ever.

“Oliver,” she said, to answer the unasked question of who that was. “Old friend and work partner. Wouldn’t have wanted anyone else to have my back with my old job.”

Other than that, she didn’t have much to volunteer about him. She was still going through the motions herself, trying to figure out what would happen if and when they met again. It was not a pleasant thought.

Her head lifted at the hand on her shoulder, and she looked over to Lelianna. It felt… comforting. It was such a small gesture, and yet it resonated within Caroline. She gave her a slight nod and the faintest of smiles to let her know it was appreciated. Part of her just wanted to lean against her, but she got a hold of herself and continued on.

She hummed a little laugh at her poke and protest. “Hey now, hey now, I didn’t say it was a bad thing. You’re right, though. I guess that’s another perk of this… cybernetic body. I don’t really ever get physically exhausted. The cubs have met their match.”

At her next question, she tilted her head up and thought about it. Truthfully, she didn’t know much about it, other than where she worked and a few other locations, like Kelri’s place, and the park. What did she, Caroline, actually think about the city? She’d never really given it a second thought.

“It’s not as nice as many make it out to be,” she began. She flipped back through pictures they already saw, ones that could paint a clearer picture of Felici. “The central park is lovely, though your garden makes it seem like a weed patch. Kelri’s bakery is there. There’s a lot to do if you enjoy art and shopping, but… well, it’s not a good place for magi. Only the brave, desperate, or stupid try to stay there; for one, the hunter’s guild is stationed there. And besides that, the Runic University is there, too, and they don’t care for magi or cyborgs.” She pointed to pictures as she went, showing the looming runic building, or a picture of the park, or the outside of Sweet Nothings. “On the surface, it’s beautiful. But I know that’s just an act; it’s a bad place for anyone who isn’t a well-off human. Trust me. Haven is much nicer, from what I saw.”

Next, there was a dark, large envelope in the middle of the binder, laced in the rings as if it were a page. The envelope was sealed, and Caroline turned past it quickly, like it would bite her if she didn’t get rid of it. “Bad memories,” she offered. “I keep them in case I ever need a reminder. I hope I will never have to look at them.” It would have to do. She wasn’t going to explain any further.

Beyond the mystery envelope were a few more pictures here and there of people she’d already seen. There were more pictures of herself as she went on, taken by other people. She looked neutral in most pictures, though “serious” would be another good word. It wasn’t as if she was grumpy or irritated, but rather without emotion at all. The only time she appeared to express anything was around the friends and family she introduced already. She wore the same outfit in almost all of them. Same haircut. Same expression. No pictures without her eyepatch on. There were few news clippings of herself that she chose to save (since many were shoved in the Bad Memories Envelope), but there were a few where she did “good;” a story about her lifting a truck off a police officer stuck underneath, or busting a big case with Talia, or pulling some allies from a recently bombed-out building… they were few, but sometimes it helped to remember that she wasn’t 100% awful back a few years… even if none of these stories redeemed her actions. They were a spark of hope for her future, and nothing more.